The Jew Unit
The Jew Unit is an American team of heroes, musicians, and all around good guys. Lead by guitarist Anthony Robert Wolfgang Chen, the group formed in 2008. Over the next four years they would achieve worldwide fame for both saving the planet from numerous apocalyptic events (including The Apocalypse) and for their ''Old Testament Saga'', five albums that detail their heroic adventures during this period. Following the events of December 21, 2012 the surviving members of the Unit were able to retire to a peacful life, since love and harmony had spread across the Earth. However, in July 2015 they all disappeared. Their whereabouts are currently unknown. History Beginnings The group was established on Easter Sunday 2008 after guitarist Anthony Robert Wolfgang Chen left his church service early due to boredom and heard Focus' "Hocus Pocus" on the radio. When he got home he immediately wrote the guitar riff for future single "Holy Moses." Upon returning to school Chen recruited guitarist Ben "Crawdaddy" Kalman, bassist Philip Gringer, drummer Steven Gringer, and singer Bradley "Danger" Silverman and the group soon began preparing music for their yearly Battle of the Bands event at school, dubbing themselves The Jew Unit. The school's administration was not pleased with the choice of name and at first refused to let the group perform, but after the entire student body staged a combination walkout/mooning they reluctantly permitted them under the condition that they use an alias for the night. After a long and tough campaign the student body voted for the temporary name Will Smith (defeating Hot Daddy & the Monkey Puppets and Bradley Silverman & the Beeftastic Beefcakes). During the band's performance Shane Kelly, a fellow student, felt overcome by the pure energy exuded by the group and somehow found himself on stage. The group happily welcomed him and he was inducted to the group immediately. Although they did not win the event due to a personal vendetta against them by the school's administration they received a thirty minute standing ovation from the thousands in attendance. Impressed by their performance Mark G. Levy, a friend from Ben's temple, invited the group to perform at his own high school the following week, a performance that would go down in history when the group was able to focus their combined energy and interfere with the planet's revolution, causing the sun to set prematurely. Levy immediately pledged his life to the band, along with their classmates Fionn J. McElligott, Kyle McNee, Jesse Wekerle, and Sam "Sam Denahy" Denahy, who were also in attendance. First Adventures and First Album Now consisting of eleven members the Unit soon realized the magnitude of their combined powers and began experimenting over the following months. Classmate Moishe Blagov became their manager and agent, allowing the band to focus all efforts on their new abilities. Although the group desired to induct him as an official Unit member Blagov nobly refused, acknowledging that his talents did not lie in music or special powers but simply business acumen. Nonetheless the Unit holds him in the highest regard and he has since accompanied them for all adventures, missions, campaigns, recording sessions, and public appearances. The band's experiments at this time would transport them through time and across the planet to meet numerous famous figures, although the band unanimously agreed to not disclose the vast majority of the details of those early experiments due to their questionable legality. However, to celebrate those details deemed fit for human ears they recorded their first album, [[I: The Drastic Fantastic Sarcastic Ecclesiastic Dynastic Gymnastic Monastic Thermoplastic Elastic Enthusiastic Scholastic Bombastic CD (Genesis)|''I: The Drastic Fantastic Sarcastic Ecclesiastic Dynastic Gymnastic Monastic Thermoplastic Elastic Enthusiastic Scholastic Bombastic CD (Genesis)]], which released on January 24 2009. Despite recording on a budget of just $6.17 the album was a critical success and the album was certified gold after just three days on the backs of hit singles "Holy Moses," "Chanukah," "I Wish Will Smith Was a Jew," "The Red Sea Men," and "The Passion of the Gibson: An Alternate Universe." The last single was notable for being the first song ever written and recorded via group-telekinesis-inspired-vision-dreaming, in which the Unit materialized a vision of the future into digital format. Unfortunately, their vision into the future was incomplete due to the band's inexperience and lack of training, as they would soon find out. The Gibson-Disney War and Second Album Two weeks after the release of ''Genesis Bradley Silverman was in the middle of his traditional Sunday run (which would be longer than his usual daily runs so as to make up for the Sabbath) and in the desert of Nevada came upon Mel Gibson. They struck up a conversation, during which Silverman asked Gibson why he did not like Jews. Gibson explained that it was because he had once been denied the hand of his love, Sue, by her overprotective father, and confessed to their murders while also revealing his true identity as Walt Disney. Spiritually vulnerable due to the release of the burden of keeping that secret for decades, which had enveloped his soul in a thick protective shield that had now dissipated, his weakened being became possessed by Satan, who had brought along Adolf Hitler's spirit to aid in the possession. He quickly summoned the Army of Darkness and Silverman was forced to retreat home to New York. Thus began the Gibson-Disney War. The band immediately began researching on Wikipedia, looking for clues as to who might be the Twelve Helpers that a possessed Gibson-Disney had mentioned. They soon concluded that M. Night Shyamalan, Jim Caviezel, Danny Glover, and the rock band Rush (Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson, Neil Peart) all had to be Helpers. They were unable to continue researching, however, due to an attack by Gibson-Disney's forces. Fortunately for them Sylvester Stallone and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger arrived to whisk them to safety, revealing themselves to be two more Helpers and revealing that The Beatles were the remaining four. Unfortunately, Satan's agents had already killed John Lennon in 1985 and George Harrison in 2001, leaving only Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr as the remaining Beatles. The Unit underwent an intense period of training over the following week. Their powers were further honed by the ancient teachings in the possession of the Helpers, who also equipped them with improved weaponry. Together the groups rallied thousands to their cause, forming The Last Alliance which has aided the Unit in all global conflicts ever since. A challenge was soon put forth for the two opposing forces to meet on the open field. At the Battle of Teaneck the Last Alliance was able to gain a resounding victory after Seal appeared, proving himself to be Jesus. He cast Satan and Hitler back to Hell, confined the Army of Darkness to Nova Scotia and, amazingly, separated Walt Disney from Mel Gibson, who were welcomed into Heaven and given a pet otter, respectively. Seal also revealed to the Unit that they were his descendants, bestowing them with enhanced powers that granted them complete mastery of the musical techniques of the First, Second, Third dimensions. The very next day the band would enter the studio to record II: The Passion of the Gibson (Exodus), which released on March 17, 2009. Boosted by their newfound status as global celebrities for leading the war against Gibson-Disney the album was certified gold on March 18, 2009. Although sales were good, reviews criticized the album's lack of singles. In a scathing analysis Mareena VonBfardum complained, "It would seem that their newfound international status has gone to The Jew Unit's collective heads. Exodus shows genius in spurts but sounds like a band that has spent too much time eating yoghurt with the Dalai Lama and not enough time writing a song that people can actually sing along to." Additionally, the album was hurt by controversy when the one song to receive moderate airplay, "Turn the Other Cheek," was banned from playlists in America following a United States Supreme Court decision deeming the tune as overtly fetishistic of pineapples. Global stations soon followed suit. As a response to the popular resistance and disappointment the Unit did not tour in support of the album. Instead, they played just one show at Mark's old high school for the Stop Violins Against Women benefit in June 2009. The crowd of 100,000 was shocked as the band took the stage without Levy, McNee, and McElligott who all had a very bad case of an ingrown toenail as a continued complication of the Gibson-Disney war, a condition that saw them hospitalized in Manchester, Tennessee. The band still delivered a raucous show, causing a surge of pure power so great that all camera and recording equipment were rendered unusable. Seeing as the show was still an instant classic all in attendance forgave the band for their solid-but-not-particularly-relistenable sophmore effort, and those who heard of the show believed the stories of it's quality and agreed to give the Unit another chance. Loss of Bradley Although the band's image, as well as Levy, McNee, and McElligott's toes, would recover, tragedy would soon befall the group. On a trip to the zoo in August 2010 Bradley Silverman fell into the gorilla pit and was killed by one of the beasts by the name of Brajimbie. His body, unfortunately, was never recovered as the offending ape stuffed it and used it as a puppet to entertain his gorilla children, although upon Brajimbie's death in 2013 his children placed Silverman's body into their father's casket as a token of their appreciation for all that he did to give them a happy childhood and fine upbringing. A service was held for Silverman by his family. The Unit attended, but as their traditions dictate, their attendance consisted of staying home and enjoying a meal of poached eggs and chicken legs, family style. Space Travels and Third Album Needing a vacation from the brutality of this planet's zoos the Unit finished their memorial dinner, boarded their forcedrive ship, the Meshugenah Messiah, and launched into the solar system. Their new environment immediately had an effect on their moods, quickly triumphing over their sorrow. After an hour or two they were already jamming out new ideas and preparing new songs. However, after passing Saturn the Messiah was sucked into a wormhole. Inside the wormhole the Unit was subjected to scenes that overstimulated their various senses and emotions, nearly bringing them to the brink of insanity. They eventually exited the portal into the Fourth dimension where they were met by the creature Durgalugalug of the Sixth Dimension. His people were impressed with the band's catalog and decided to teach them musical techniques of the Fourth Dimension to help them increase their next album's sales to record breaking levels. After transmitting this data into their brains Durgalugalug presented each member with personal gifts, which included newfound powers, equipment, and, for the background vocalists, an altered anatomical structure. Durgalugalug would also offer his personal services to the band, who took him on as a roadie, except for Philip who instead took him as a lover. With a capable wormhole navigator now on board they were able to chart a course back home and on the ride over they enhanced their new material with the newfound techniques and also learned a few fun covers. Upon their return to Earth they played a special concert on the infamous Grassy Knoll right outside Dealey Plaza in Dallas, Texas. As soon as they started playing every living creature within a six mile radius died instantaneously. Fortunately, their recording equipment was not damaged and they were able to keep a record of the show. Following the performance Seal resurrected all those that had perished and forced the Unit to do community service by serving pizzas to underprivileged beavers. The live recording was released on September 29, 2009 as III: Musical Techniques of the Fourth Dimension (Leviticus) ''and saw The Jew Unit reach new heights of popularity, being certified diamond by the afternoon of it's release. Siskel and Ebert raved, "Using a mix of interdimensional technique, personnel issues, and the mild reception of ''Exodus as creative fuel The Jew Unit has reached new heights on Musical Techniques. 'Likkot' may truly be the greatest song of all time." Eric Bischoff simply stated, "They're back, and better than ever!" Denying expectations the Unit did not schedule any tours. Commenting on their use of the "Beatles Method" Chen stated, "I dunno, I'm just really tired. Serving pizzas has really tuckered me out." Tragedy of New Year's Day 2010 Although their powers were reaching new heights the Unit would soon experience a loss that shook them to their core. On New Year's Day 2010 Philip Gringer, Shane Kelly, Jesse Wekerle, and Sam Denahy all perished in a freak accident. Resolving to prepare and eat the largest bowl of cereal of all time the four had forgotten to stock up on milk. Seeing that their cereal-to-milk ratio was lacking they chose to continue anyways but the lack of hydration caused them to wither into dust. The remaining members, stunned by this tragedy, donated the entirety of their career's earnings to the newly created Cereal-to-Milk Awareness Foundation (CMAF). The ashes of the deceased were spread in the parking lot at the Authentic Taco Bell in Montvale, New Jersey. Conflict with the Second Anti-Christ and Fourth Album The group did not have long to mourn as they would soon find themselves embroiled in a new conflict when they were kidnapped by agents of the second Anti-Christ, Kip Winger. Although they had previously been aware of his status as the second son of Satan they had not felt the need to act upon it, since he had seemed completely harmless. Winger's rise, however, coincided with the creation of Agent Elrond. Elrond personally oversaw the imprisonment and interrogation of the Unit, which included using the Lebanese water torture and forcing them to listen to Winger's 1988 hit "Seventeen" on repeat. Winger and Elrond aimed to discover the identity and location of the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary in an attempt to secure their own safety and clear a path towards world domination. Durgalugalug, who had been on the commode during the initial kidnappings, was able to locate Winger's compound and send the Unit back home through a wormhole. Sadly, Elrond pierced Durgalugalug's head with a metal pole, killing him instantaneously. On the drive to the compound, however, Durgalugalug had recorded information to a holo-disk which explained to the Unit that they would have to find Seal's twin brother (the only one capable of defeating Elrond) before searching for the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary. The disk also contained data for the musical techniques of the Fifth and Sixth dimensions which was automatically crammed into their brains. This granted them additional powers and yet another upgrade to their equipment. Emboldened by the sacrifice of Durgalugalug the group would set out on a quest to find Seal's twin. Their research gave them three likely candidates: Cuba Gooding Jr., Morgan Freeman, and Ice Cube. By viewing their internet history Elrond was able to beat the Unit to each candidate's house, resulting in the brutal deaths of Gooding and Ice Cube and the temporary disappearance of Freeman (who had fled into hiding). Elrond faced the Unit at Ice Cube's house, preparing to strike them down, but was blindsided by the arrival of Will Smith, who announced himself as Seal's twin. Elrond was slain by Smith and his corpse was put on ice and transported to the homestead of Betty Crocker, who was revealed as the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary. After cooking them a tasty home cooked meal Crocker baked Elrond's corpse into a meat pie. The Unit prepared themselves for the offensive against Winger with a shared bathroom meditation session before travelling back to Winger's compound to confront him. They feigned surrender, offering to becoming his agents, and served him the Elrond-infused meat pie, which a gullible Winger promptly devoured. An Elromorph burst from Winger's chest, killing him, but the Unit then had to defeat the alien. Kyle McNee's grandmother, Sigourney Weaver, was called in to assist and with her wealth of alien-defeating knowledge the Unit was able to kill the Elromorph. While celebrating their victory the band was made aware of the resurrection of all those killed by Winger and Elrond, including Durgalugalug, who told them of the Matrix-like purgatory in which the deceased had been held. The month long private party that they held is the stuff of legends, although nobody has ever heard those legends because all attendees were made to sign non-disclosure agreements. After the celebrations ended the Jew Unit entered the studio and recorded IV: The Return of the Queen (Numbers) which they announced would be released on July 19 2010. The amount of pre-orders for the record was so large that it was actually certified double diamond on July 1 2010, the day of the announcement. Critical reception was positive and the band received numerous awards and accolades for their work, both collectively and individually. Chen earned rave reviews for his guitar work, which many proclaimed as having proved that he had surpassed other all-time greats such as Jimi Hendrix and Edward Van Halen. Krymen Puplecker of Rolling Stone praises the background vocals writing, “McNee and McElligott have revolutionized gruntanomics,” while Dick Cheney also called Mark Levy “So damn fine.” To the rapture of millions the group agreed to resume playing live shows. Their international tour was highlighted by their New York run at Sullivan Hall, The Nyack Center, and Santos Party House, shows which are best known for producing the only known live footage of the Unit in action. This remarkable fact is due to the fact that their personal cameraman, Roger, had actually forgotten to press record and in an ironic twist their powers that usually caused cameras to explode the opposite effect. The tour was also notable for the induction of two new members of the Unit, saxophonist Jack Davison and drummer Alex Aitken. Aitken replaced Steven Gringer on drums, who became Moishe Blagov's assistant and was allowed to retain his spot on the team for a probationary period. Additionally, the Unit began wearing their now famous Muppet attire during this tour. Upon finishing the Numbers tour rumors spread of the band planning second retirement. While no announcement ever came, they spent most of the following year out of the public eye. They played a few select dates in summer 2011 but for the most part spent their time working on solo projects and seeing what their individual powers were capable of. The Apocalypse and Fifth Album In June of 2012 the band was attending a pool party when Morgan Freeman arrived, announcing the start of a new, final war for Earth. Unbeknownst to the Unit Satan had birthed a third son, the Anti-Seal, and quietly reformed his army. Generaled by the Four Horsemen, Anti-Seal's forces ravaged large swaths of Connecticut in search of the Dreidel of Destiny (DoD). At Freeman's behest the band called the Last Alliance to action. By going on an all matzo diet and meditating heavily they were able to locate the DoD in a Palestinian cave. They spun it but the DoD takes seven days to fall. The Unit was prepared to wait but received an antagonistic phone call from Andy Dick and felt compelled to meet their enemy in battle. Thus, the table was set for the two sides to meet on the plains of Megiddo. The Battle of Armageddon began on December 15 2012 when the Unit lead the Alliance in an ambush, aiming to set fire to the enemy stores of chocolate sprinkles. The skirmish grew until both armies were completely involved into the fray. Raging on for seven days the battle would claim millions of lives, easily becoming the mostly deadly battle of all time. On the seventh day, December 21, just as all seemed lost for the Alliance, the DoD finally fell, resulting in a gimel for the Unit. Mark Levy used the distraction to advantage and personally slayed the Anti-Seal by snapping his neck. The DoD morphed into an enormous paper shredder, decimating the Army of Darkness and raising the global sea level with 2.6" worth of blood. Satan then descended from the sky in the form of John Mayer, challenging Chen to a guitar duel. Chen was emerged victorious and Satan was finally killed when Jennifer Aniston beat him over the head with a very large leg of lamb. The Horsemen's lives were spared, although they were sent home with their stomachs and phalli glued. The Unit, now the ultimate saviors of all humanity, agreed to re-enter the studio and so they flew directly there. Upon passing through the doorway they put their minds together and telekinetically produced their fifth album, V: Jewpocalypse Now! (Deuteronomy), which they released the very same day. The record would become the highest selling album of all time, moving nearly 1 billion copies by Christmas. As the sales were so high a new certification level had to be invented and thus in 2013 Deuteronomy was the first, and still only band, to have a record certified gefilte for 1 billion albums sold. Reviews raved about the album with many deeming it, "Not only the greatest Jew Unit album but maybe, no definitely, the greatest album made by any band period." Duvel Beaubuen stated that, "With his work on V ''Anthony Chen has, unarguably, become the greatest guitarist of all time. If you're able to listen to his solo on 'The Last Testament' without shedding a tear then you clearly have no heart and should probably be euthanized by your local tax consultant." Mark Levy's efforts were also praised as Rolling Stone's Noam Chomsky wrote, "Clearly this war took a toll on Levy, whose pure emotion can be heard on some of the most stirring recorded vocal performances since Jim Jones 1978." At the 2013 Grammy Awards the Jew Unit swept the ceremony, winning an unprecedented every single award of the night. Retirement and Disappearance Despite ''Deuteronomy being labelled the greatest album of all time the Unit declared their retirement on Valentine's Day 2013. In an official press release they stated the following: Immediately after the announcement a wave of suicides swept across the planet. In the ensuing chaos former drummer Steven Gringer accidentally tripped over a dead body and fell off a roof to his death. As they were retired the Unit did not feel obligated to attend his funeral, although they did send his mother a box of uncooked penne to remember him by. The Unit would spend the following years enjoying the fruits of their labors. Chen tended to his farm in Westchester County, New York, where the cell phone reception is really bad so it's tough to try to call him. Levy moved into the top floor of the Empire State Building, which is not an apartment but he likes it there anyways. McNee and McElligott built a Hobbit hole in Grant Township, Michigan while Davison and Aitken dug just a regular hole next door. Kalman got really drunk one night and ended up in Beijing, China and not feeling like taking the plane ride back decided to stay. Although the members all seemed to be uninterested in any reunion work Brian Oklerts, a real estate agent, somehow convinced them in July 2015 to perform at an open house party at the Boulderberg Manor in Tomkins Cove, New York. Following their performance the group mysteriously vanished and has not been seen since. Although the world populace was initially very worried they all eventually felt that the Unit in their prime was capable of surviving under the most dangerous conditions, and as such wherever they are they must be fine. Commenting on the disappearance Oklerts said, "Yeah, it's strange. One moment they're talking to Mel Gibson and the next it's shluck, they're just gone." Musical Styles and Influences The Jew Unit's musical style changed substantially over the years. Their debut album was strongly influenced by hard rock and progressive bands such as AC/DC, Jethro Tull, and Rush. They were increasingly influenced by progressive and metal acts, especially Dream Theater, Coheed and Cambria, and Gwar. In the tradition of progressive rock their music utilizes irregular time signatures and scales, although unlike progressive rock their lyrics are not of a fantastical nature, instead directly narrating the real-life adventures experienced by the group. Abilities and Powers Similar to Superman, the members of the Jew Unit were inherently born with the capacity for supernatural powers. While each member has particular skills unique to each individual it's when the members are able to combine their energies that the true magnitude of their capabilities becomes clear. Through their continual education in musical techniques of various dimensions (thus far their abilities reaching up to the sixth dimension), the Unit's abilities progressively increased in potency as the years passed. Group Abilities The most obvious of their powers is the exuding of a sheer sense of energy which not only excites fans at live shows but also causes electrical equipment to malfunction. On at least one occasion, the special performance in Dealey Plaza, the energy burst was enough to kill every leaving being within a six mile radius. Other powers include but are not limited to time travel, teleportation, telekinesis (which they have used at times to record music), and irresistible seduction. Additionally, the members of the Unit are highly trained in numerous combat arts, most notably Krav Maga, capoeira, and Thugjitsu. Individual abilities * Anthony Robert Wolfgang Chen – Facemelting guitar solos * Mark G. Levy – Able to grow a beard that thoroughly washes and shaves all members * Kyle McNee – Screams that summon clouds of bloody acid rain upon enemies * Fionn J. McElligott – Headbangs so hard that enemies receive a concussion * Alex Aitken – Converses with the enemy, causing them to feel as though they are in space * Jack Davison – Harvard graduate brain * Ben "Crawdaddy" Kalman – Possesses a massage chair from Sharper Image that encourages inventive engineering * Moishe Blagov – Can envelop members in beard cocoons that heal all wounds and dress members in suits from Men's Wearhouse Band Members Current Members * Anthony Robert Wolfgang Chen – lead and rhythm guitars, bass, keyboards, vocals (2008–present) * Mark G. Levy – vocals, acoustic guitar (2008–present) * Kyle McNee – vocals (2008–present) * Fionn J. McElligott – vocals, bass (2008–present) * Alex Aitken – drums (2010–present) * Jack Davison – saxophones (2010–present) * Ben "Crawdaddy" Kalman – rhythm guitars (2008–present) Former Members * Philip Gringer – bass, synthesizer (2008–2010) * Steven Gringer – drums, vocals (2008–2013) * Shane Kelly – vocals (2008–2010) * Jesse Wekerle – vocal (2008–2010) * Sam "Sam Denahy" Denahy – vocals (2008–2010) * Bradley "Danger" Silverman – vocals (2008–2009) Associates * Moishe Blagov – manager, agent, beard (2008–present) * Bobby Chen – drums (2008–present) * Durgalugalug of the Sixth Dimension – roadie (2009–2010) * Tom Contreras – roadie (2010–2011) * Joe D – roadie (2012–present) Discography * I: The Drastic Fantastic Sarcastic Ecclesiastic Dynastic Gymnastic Monastic Thermoplastic Elastic Enthusiastic Scholastic Bombastic CD (Genesis) – 2009 * II: The Passion of the Gibson (Exodus) – 2009 * III: Musical Techniques of the Fourth Dimension (Leviticus) – 2009 * IV: The Return of the Queen (Numbers) – 2010 * ''V: Jewpocalypse Now! (Deuteronomy)'' – 2012Category:Groups External Links * Official Website * Facebook Category:Celebrities